Here’s some ancient history you’d like to waste your time learning about.
Come with me to ancient Egypt …
So the year is 1275 BC, and it is still spring.
The army of Pharaoh Rameses II, who would later be called Rameses the Great has just returned from fighting the Hittite Empire at the bloody Battle of Kadesh.
Now although historians still disagree on whether the outcome should be deemed an Egyptian victory or a draw, one thing was certain; the Egyptian Army engineers had carried human civilization into a new sphere of military operations – an area we know today as mass weapons production. During the conflict, the Pharaoh’s engineers manned an assembly line that would forge out 1000 hand-to-hand combat weapons each week, build and grease 250 chariots in 2 weeks, carve and roll out 2000 formidable shields in 3 weeks. This impact record would stand for centuries until it would later be broken by Napoleon the Great’s Grande Armée engineer corps, Adolf Hitler’s German-wonder manufacturing system, and Dick Cheney’s America.
But back to Egypt …
At home, the Egyptian women waited axiously for any news from the desert.
They had already begun putting on the customary garments of mourning as each resigned herself to a future life of widowhood,
because as it was back then, a combatant’s chances of surviving a face-to-face battle on the ground was very very grim. One would rather be slain on the battlefield and have his memory recalled as a hero, than to walk home with his entrails spilling out, being followed by flies and vultures, and then live the rest of his life (if he survives a full moon) incapacitated and useless to both his wife and sons.
Nevertheless, the Pharaoh made it home alive and with great rejoicing he was welcomed by his wives and numerous concubines. He spent his first week in town offering sacrifices of victory to Amun-Ra, but by Friday he was ready to party, snort coke and call in the strippers. Instead however, he sent for his favorite wife, “The One for Whom the Sun Shines,” the Royal Queen Nefertari, with only one request: “Tell her to show up in those new stockings she bought at Victoria’s Secret, not the ones from Walmart.”
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Now, Queen Nefertari was no ordinary queen.
She had been highly educated and was able to read and write hieroglyphs, a rare skill even for Egyptian males at the time. This queen had also achieved some political influence over surrounding tribes through her diplomatic skills, guile and virtue-signalling as liberator of the socially oppressed. You could say she was an ancient social justice warrior or feminist, but in any case, we know since she had had everything handed to her, “She don’t need no man.”
It was no surprise therefore, when the Pharaoh’s attendants returned with a defiant reply from the queen thus, “Tell Rameses I found a way to take care of my ‘needs’ while he was away fighting his bloody wars. I got the Royal Carpenter to make a smooth stump out of a fig tree for my private use. And at the moment, I’m not really in the mood to hop on an ego-driven royal cock, so if you would excuse me.”
The Pharaoh was furious!
Immediately he summoned the royal carpenter, Hitachimedes before him. But while everyone thought he would have the carpenter’s head on a pike, Rameses thought of doing something better. If he had learned anything from the Battle of Kadesh, it was, that having better equipments at your disposal would cause the opponent to submit to his will. So Rameses commissioned the Carpenter to The Throne with a new task; to design a stump that would not only feel better than his previous creation, but could also do its job with the least amount of effort from the hand holding it. So Hitachimedes along with the wisest astronomers and abacus’ technicians set to work on inventing the world’s first self-operating sex toy, the first of its kind.
After various attempts at replicating mini-boat paddles that only tickled the test subjects, they came up with an entirely different idea, one of the greatest innovations of the time. Using leather hide that had been skinned off a lamb, treated, and then polished, Hitachimedes and his team stitched up a phallic-shaped, hollow leather tube which became 12-inches long and a few inches in diameter. This, they filled with wild honey and a thousand angry bees (some unverified sources say up to 10,000) which, when sealed up inside the leather tube and waved to and fro would agitate the bees, causing a vibration that could be felt on the exterior of the polished leather. And
Thus the first vibrating dildo was invented – the bee-ildo.
Hitachimedes couldn’t wait to reveal this revolutionary wand to the Great Pharaoh in front of all the palace priests. However, to keep the affairs of his bed chamber private, Rameses would only allow a demonstration of the new device on a slave girl, behind closed doors. This mythological invention would remain a secret of the royal elite, until twelve centuries later when it would be falsely ascribed to Queen Cleoptara of Egypt, because that was when it got leaked to the public. As one historian notes, Hitachimedes could have patented this weird invention a thousand years earlier, but as a service to the royal cock, he had refused payment from Rameses II with which he could have been able to afford a Jewish lawyer to put together the legal papyri work.
And so, with another new innovation courtesy of
The Patriarchy which keeps inventing better ways to satisfy women’s unlimited wants and lifestyle needs,
Queen Nefertari once again resumed bed chamber relations with the Pharaoh. Of course, now he wielded a powerful instrument for taming the most unruly of cunts. And no longer did he require copious amounts of the syrup from the blue Nile lotus, which was famous for maintaining the stamina of Egyptian kings who had to deal with the stress of having numerous concubines on their schedule (if you know what I mean). Now the Pharaoh could focus more on governing his kingdom, and less on calculating what days his women would be having a PMS crisis. And in the future, when Rameses would embark on fresh campaigns against the Syrians, Ethiopians, or the Libyans, he let Nefertari have the instrument at her disposal, for personal use (which she cherished a lot because this was better than the dead wood Hitachimedes had made for her in the past). In fact, after a while the queen would become so desensitized to using the bee-ildo, that she would order Hitachimedes to make a brand new one containing angrier bees that could be agitated ten times more than the previous ones.
…………
Queen Nefertari died in 1255 BC (nearly 40 years BEFORE the death of her husband, Pharaoh Rameses II).
Ancient hieroglyphic records depict the wise physician and scribe Djehutyemheb, stating the cause of the Royal Queen’s death simply, as “failing health.”
But oral legend has it, that during one of those conflict periods while the Pharaoh was away from the homeland, resolving a land grab situation with nomadic outlaw caravans from Mesopotamia, the Queen got to work with her toys. As usual, she sought to hyper-agitate the bees by first placing the bee-ildo close to a fire kiln before using it to pleasure herself. This time however, a sinew on the sheepskin had come loose after being smoldered by a piece of burning ember near the fire. But
Nefertari had not noticed the tiny opening in the stitches.
Thus when the queen began ramming herself furiously with the bee-ildo, she broke out a few angry bees who were not too happy to discover what their whole purpose in life had been – serving a human queen whose husband called her “honey,” when they could have been pollinating flowers and producing real honey with their bee queen. So right there and then, these angry bees turned her pleasure into disaster.
Pharaoh Rameses II was so distraught at what this new invention had cost him – the love of his life – that he proclaimed a ban on all future innovations of erotic instruments, bar none, sacred Egyptian anal beads and the infamous camel toe.
Nefertari was buried in the Valley of the Queens, in the modern city of Luxor, Egypt.
You can also visit the massive Abu Simpel temples in the Nubian region which were built by Rameses the Great to immortalize his favorite queen.
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When Alexander the Great conquered Egypt in 331 BC and established the Hellenic city of Alexandria, he needed
A new word in the dictionary to describe the manner in which he had crashed into, and broken the resistance of Egypt.
The scribes in Alexandria (who, at that time were already setting the stage for their city to become the most intellectual metropolis of the Hellenistic world when the great Library of Alexandria would be established 300 years later) came up with the fitting word Alexander needed. It was the verb – to “ram” (crash into, or forcefully penetrate something).
While it sounds apparent that this new verb to “ram,” must have been derived from the name of the ancient Great Pharaoh, Rameses, many origin scholars argue that it had already been in use to describe the act by which his Queen Nefertari had initiated a self-inflicted bee attack on herself, 900 years prior to Alexander. While that debate continues within intellectual circles, at least you now know the etymology of the phrase, “ramming herself with a dildo.”
They say on the walls of her tomb, you can still feel the vibrations of her bee-ildo, to this day.
True story.
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